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Archive for March, 2011

Ok, as I said in the first “Towne Crier” ,that once a consensus is reached after a short feedback or “voting ” period , a decision would be reached and posted.

Well ,ahem, this is it : it seems most who weighed in like to have less pages to “flip through ” so

Page Length at this time for each post will be infinite,until at such a time posts being scrolled through are

no longer relevant to current discussion, or a majority inform me it’s becoming laborious to scroll through

past postings.

 

I actually have it set this way on some other blogs and most seem to appreciate their words aren’t “dead and buried ” to any newcomers who happen along.

I would suggest to all to sign up for the “Email Alerts” when a comment or reply is add,it makes it easier to keep up and find later on.

Thanks for the imput!

🙂

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INSECURITIES

Most of you know that I have a story for about everything…cute little stories about life’s little lessons. I have shared a lot of those with some of you over the past year and half…usually because of some word that one of you spoke that triggered a thought…a memory…

John has given us this place where we are among friends…safe to share maybe an even deeper side of ourselves…a place where we can trust that our words won’t be torn and shredded by those that can’t seem to find their hearts long as well any compassion. So I thought it was time to dig a little deeper into my stories and share a bit more…another side…of who I am.

What follows is a side of me that I struggle with daily…I have for most of my life…as far back as I can remember. These words do not define me but they are a part of me just as much as my love for music, love for people…my determination to survive…plus that sassy mouth that gets me in trouble at times.

These words have been hidden away…written and kept in a safe place…just waiting for when I knew that time was right to share them. By sharing them with you here…I hope that if any of you find a bit of yourself in them you will know…you are not alone.

INSECURITIES

Insecurities have a life of their own…living, breathing, growing being fed by your own life…draining yours in order for them to survive. They feed off of life’s daily little upsets…taking them in as if they are leeches attached to your mind…your heart…possibly trying to find the very essence of who you are…your soul.

There are so many of these insecurities…loneliness…trust…self-image…worthiness…abandonment. Which is the worse…I don’t know…one feeds off of the other until they almost become one and the same. For me…not a simple answer.

I am not sure which one appeared first…which one was the driving force that allowed the others in…opening the door to these other insecurities. Which one needs to be dealt with first? Which one is the lifeline that connects to the others allowing them to feed and grow? Can you rid yourself of one without ridding yourself of all of them? If you rid yourself of one will that cause the others to starve and die? Is it even possible? I don’t know.

Can you solve any of these on your own? I don’t think so…I think that you can begin to…but it can’t be proven that you have solved them until someone comes along and puts them to the test…someone other than yourself. Only then can you know if you have truly won that battle or if it was just a false sense of security. This is where you will find the answers…if you are willing to take the chance.

*****

These words are in my head…they are as my heart feels. One of those times that I need them to disagree with each other…I need for them to be wrong. My head is not even agreeing with itself…my heart knows what it wants to believe…that it tries to believe…so often it has been wrong. Each time being a little more convinced that it shouldn’t have listened to itself.

I feel like the poster child for the “No Child Left Behind” campaign…That child that deserves to learn…to experience…yet somehow seems to always be passed over…for the next child in line…the Forgotten Child. Leaving that child feeling as if no one cares enough to stop…to stay…to let them learn what it feels like to be loved.

Sometimes someone will stop and stay for a while…and then always to move on…leaving you with that question…why didn’t they stay. Maybe they left because you are to hard to teach…they didn’t have the patience to work through your insecurities…maybe you just weren’t worth teaching…how it feels to be loved.

Strange this battle that goes on in your head and heart. It argues with itself…one moment telling you to trust…then the very next moment telling you to believe the only thing it knows…abandonment. Yet neither one wants to believe that…both needing to believe that this time it is different…you can trust…you can learn how it feels to beloved…if you open yourself up to learning…wanting to…needing to.

There are even times that somehow for a few moments…a bit of time in your life…that you allow yourself to start to believe…believe that this time you won’t feel that pain of abandonment again…that someone has come along to teach you how it feels to be loved. You allow yourself to begin to believe…yet your head and your heart looks for signs that it isn’t true…that you are being forgotten again.

These feelings are what I battle…they are my insecurities…those things that just seem to take over…come from nowhere to eat away at me…as if they don’t want to give me that chance to be happy, to be loved…to live. You rationalize these insecurities…you know that they prevent you from moving forward. You know that you need to work on them…unlearn them…no longer giving them control of you. There are times that you think that you have succeeded…only to have them creep back in…to once again have your heart and head telling that you that it is once again going to happen…abandonment.

Your insecurities have a lot of power over you. They know how and when to show back up. They wait until you almost believe…almost to that point that finally you will not be forgotten. They wait for the small things…missed phone call, missed letter…someone being late…someone not being able to spend time with you. These insecurities will even let you think that you have overcome them…they will let you be able to get through some of those doubts…let you be able to get through some of those times that you struggle with…only to appear…unexpected…to play those games with your mind and heart. Once again you have to face that battle…

Over time these insecurities become a part of your life…they become so engrained in you that maybe you can’t let go of them…as if you let go of them you will fall into a thousand pieces…unable to pick them up and put them back together. They are so powerful that you can’t remember yourself without them…always having been there…always digging deeper into your head…taking a piece of your heart with it.

These insecurities are strong. It is like playing a game with the head/heart and the insecurities are always winning. Like as a child when your parent “lets” you feel as if you won…so are these insecurities…they let you think that you have won. Only when you play the game again they remind you who is really the best player…as if to teach you not to have too much faith in winning…it will be taken away…leaving you abandoned.

When do you stop the game…when do you stop the battle and just surrender..knowing that if you do…you have also stopped living. You have not only given up on love…but on yourself. When do you just accept that you won’t have that opportunity to know how it feels to be loved…pure, simple, honest love? When do you just accept that you will not have this? Do you accept it or do you just keep taking that chance on finding it…taking the risk of being hurt one more time hoping that this time you have won that battle?

*****

These words were not written to evoke any sympathy…they were written more as an acknowledgement to myself that buried beneath this person that seems to handle everything that comes her way…there are weaknesses…weaknesses that until are faced head on will always stay lying in wait…just beneath the surface. It wasn’t until I was honest about these things could I actually start to work on them…it is a lifelong challenge. It is also a journey…a journey back in time to find where and how these insecurities became such a part of my life. It was not a pleasant journey reliving all of those events in my life but it was a necessary one…necessary in order to move forward.

If by chance you do find a bit of your own life in these words…again I remind you…you are not alone.

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The Value of Words

We have all heard that it is just a “word”…yet here a group of people sit…brought together because they know the value of the spoken or in our case…the written word.

A simple word…it can tear one down…or build them up. A simple word can define someone’s day. They can make someone feel loved or rejected…worthy or useless. They hold such power and yet…are thrown about so carelessly…given no thought…given no meaning…

What is a word…for me they are like pieces of art…letters put together to form a word…words put together to form a thought…thoughts that express the essence of our being…much like an artist’s canvas. We start with a blank canvas…able to pick and choose what letters we use to form those words…those words that end up being the picture that we paint of ourselves…sometimes we end up with a masterpiece…other times…we should not have picked up the brush. We each make that choice…what type of art that we create…the finished piece of art.

I have been told…I am wordy…LOL…I agree. Words swirl around in my head…they seem to come from no where…words that trigger other words…trigger thoughts in my head…in my heart. Sometimes there are so many words that I can’t seem to grab hold of them…grab them and put them in to any sensible sequence. Then someone comes along…some event happens…some random act…that puts them in order…then they make sense…gives them a purpose.

LOL…yes…I have been told that I am wordy…given my own little page to put my wordiness on…and here I sit…writing about words. LOL

Words…when spoken from the heart…has the ability…to touch the heart of another. God told me…that through my words I could touch another’s heart. Maybe…he didn’t mean so many words though! LOL

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